When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less. I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress. But now that I am older, I've set my body free. There's the comfort of elastic where once my waist would be. Inventor of those high-heeled shoes my feet have not forgiven; I have to wear a size nine now, but used to wear a seven. And how about those pantyhose? They're sized by weight, you see; so how come when I put them on the crotch is at my knee? I need to wear these glasses now as the print is getting smaller; And it wasn't very long ago I know that I was taller. Though my hair has turned to gray and my skin no longer fits, on the inside, I'm the same old me, though the outside's changed a bit.
-- Author Unknown
FAREWELL TO MY FRIEND
My nookie days are over; my pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout.
Time was when on its own accord from my trousers it would spring. But now I've got a full-time job to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave, for every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches it sure gives me the blues to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes.
-- Author Unknown
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.
One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Three old ladies were sitting on a wooden park bench, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood." She raps the wooden bench. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old farmer replied, "I really didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.
There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.
An old gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your dress blow up indecently, while both hands hold your hat."
She said, "Look mister, everything down there is eighty years old, but this hat is brand new!"
Joe and Mary celebrated their 60th Wedding Anniversary. They were both virgins when they married, and now that they were both eighty years old, they decided to allow each other to have sex with another person, just for the experience.
Joe went out and found himself a sexy young twenty year old woman.
Mary went out and found herself a very handsome twenty year old man.
After a few hours, Mary called Joe in his Hotel Room.
"Hello, Joe! How was sex with your twenty year old girlfriend?"
"It was amazing, Mary! It was an experience I will never forget. Truly the best Wedding Anniversary present ever! How was sex with your twenty year old boyfriend?"
Mary hesitated a moment and said, "Well, Joe, we made love seven times already, and I think he's calling me for another roll in the hay now!"
Joe couldn't hide his shock. "Seven times! That's unbelievable!"
"Unbelievable, but true, Joe. Remember one thing: Twenty goes into Eighty more times than Eighty goes into Twenty!"
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