Sure, turning 50 is a frightening number; it means I've finally reached adulthood, or at least I should be ACTING like I'm an adult. But, since I still behave like an overgrown teenager most of the time, and somehow I've managed to survive several life threatening health issues; I'm actually pretty glad to have had the privilege to be alive for half a century. So I'll stop bitching about my age right now.
One of my favorite Birthday presents this year came from my friend Annette. She's a neighbor of mine, and the two of us are both stuck in our teens mentally - so we get along just fine. (We laugh A LOT!)
On my birthday, she came to my house with this four foot tall piece of cardboard, and attached to it were lots of my favorite things in the whole world: CHOCOLATE!!!
First, check out the pictures below, then continue on to read more:
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The sign reads: Happy Birthday, Barbara... If you feel like your joints are beginning to 'Krackel' and your bones 'Crunch', it's because you have reached your royal birthday. To celebrate your day we wanted to give you '100 GRAND' for a trip down 'Fifth Avenue' but 'Payday' doesn't come often enough. Instead, we wish you a life filled with 'Chuckles' and 'Snickers' to celebrate your 'Whatchamacallit'. Go ahead eat this card and get 'Chunky'. 'Mounds' of Happiness. - Love, Annette and Joe
Wherever words are 'in quotes' there is a chocolate candy bar attached to the sign instead of the word itself....
Since everyone knows Chocolate is my Addiction and my Kryptonite; I quickly made a Thank You card to let Annette and Joe know how much I loved/hated my Chocolate Sign from them.
The front featured a woman sitting on a chair in a catatonic state. She is holding a half-eaten box of chocolates on her lap, one shoe is off, one is on, and there is chocolate smeared all over her face. Her husband is standing next to her, shouting into the telephone: "Operator! Get me the Chocolate Abuse Hotline!".
When you open the card, I wrote the following, as if I were the speaker at an AA meeting... but in MY case, it could have been a Choco-holics Anonymous Meeting instead:
Hello! My name is Barbara-Ann and I am a Choco-holic. I had my addiction under control until my 50th birthday, when my friend Annette came to my house with a four foot tall card loaded with every type of chocolate candy bar imaginable attached to it.
And it just STOOD there, testing me. Teasing me. Taunting me. Making me drool. I would sit in my living room, pretending to be staring at the TV, but in reality, I was staring at the glorious chocolate bars glued to that damned piece of cardboard, mere feet away.
I don't think I could be trusted alone in the house with my new chocolate friends. Do you think anyone would notice if the candy bars were surgically removed, and all that remained on the card were the empty wrappers? Do you?
I'm now starting to shake in anticipation. I've even developed a nervous tic in my left eye. Glaring at the chocolate *tic* inhaling its intoxicating scent *tic* dreaming of the moment we could finally be alone and I can figure out a way for my new chocolate friends and I to consummate our relationship without anyone being the wiser. *tic tic*
Wait! I think the SNICKERS bar just snickered at me. What a tease! He's taunting me now... begging me for it. He wants me. He knows I want him.
He knows I cannot wait to undress him from his wrapping and put him into my mouth; feeling him melt between my hot lips, while I roll my tongue around his delicious sweet body. The salty-sweet taste of his nuts is intoxicating, and I cannot wait until the moment I can swallow his melting nougat.
But no. My fantasies can never come true. The card was a gift and it must be left undisturbed. Forever. I cannot sample a single morsel on that fucking card, or everyone will know of my sickness. I have an addiction. I am a Choco-holic.
Chocolate is like Heroin to me. I can't just have one piece, without ending up sitting on the floor in the center of the candy aisle at the Grocery Store, surrounded by empty wrappers from Hershey's Miniatures with melted chocolate all around my mouth. And I hear Chocoholics have it the hardest, too. (No Rehabs.)
So for now, I will keep a safe distance from my new chocolately friends, and think about them without actually touching them. Oh how I love Chocolate! I would BATHE in chocolate!! (You have your fantasies, I have mine...) But for now, I'll avoid the card, and just pray that perhaps one day, the tape fails and the chocolate bars hit the floor!! Then they will be MINE!! *evil laugh* Oh! And by the way... Annette and Joe, THANK YOU for remembering my 50th Birthday and for giving me that damned four foot tall Chocolate FantasyTeaser!!
The 50-year-old Choco-holic Freakaziod,
P.S. This morning I woke up and a fucking MIRACLE has happened! The PAYDAY bar hit the floor and I had an orgasm!
P.S. Plus: Joey made me glue the freaking PAYDAY bar back onto the card. DAMN!
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