I’m really angry today. I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard people comment about my being overweight during my lifetime. I usually just ignore them, but today it really pissed me off. So instead of whacking some skinny chick over the head with a box of Oreos, I've decided to bitch about it here.
I was shopping at my local grocery store, and as I selected a gallon of Milk from the refrigerated dairy case, a greasy looking woman put her hand on my wrist. Her shopping cart was filled with cases of beer*, a few cartons of Marlboro and a huge pepperoni. She leaned over, as if to tell me a secret, (smelling of stale booze and cigarettes) and slurred, “You should try the skim milk instead. It’s less fattening.”
I stood there with my mouth agape as she released the death grip on my wrist and shuffled away in her cloud of body odor (and probably flies), pulling her dirty bra strap back up onto her shoulder. I wanted to ask her how she managed to eat pepperoni without any teeth, but I bit my tongue out of respect. Respect for WHAT, I still can’t figure out.
It amazes me how people always seem to feel it’s their civic duty to inform me I’ve exceeded the acceptable weight limit for Women, especially when they see me in bars, restaurants or other public places. This usually happens when they have an audience of friends, fueled by alcohol and/or drugs.
What IS it about being overweight that makes people feel they must COMMENT on it? Do overweight people feel the impulse to yell to thin people walking by? I just cannot imagine myself yelling, “EAT A TWINKIE, YOU SKINNY BITCH!” from my car window. Ever.
When was the last time you were in a bar and you suddenly felt the urge to inform a really big, very drunk, mean - looking Neanderthal (holding a pool cue in his meaty paws) that he smelled like his 24 hour deodorant protection expired 48 hours ago? Would you tell him he desperately needed a shower? ...I didn't think so.
I’ve had people suggest things to me like, “Try some of this Angel Food Cake instead of the Chocolate Brownies. It's LOWER IN CALORIES.” Do I ever suggest Uncle George stop wearing that stupid toupee that looks like road kill on his head? Not a soul in the whole damned Country believes for a second it’s his real hair, and yet NOBODY makes comments about IT.
Once one of my sisters dyed her hair an unbelievable shade of purple, and not one word was uttered. We stared a lot, but we never commented.
My friend has a mole the size of Cleveland on his chin that has more hair on it than my Uncle George's toupee, and nobody feels compelled to says anything about THAT thing, either!
An Aunt of mine has really big bucked beaver teeth and she's never had them fixed. She also spits every time she speaks; which is pretty gross, especially when she's slicing the Holiday Ham for dinner while telling all of us to "Lishen to thish funny schtory." But did anyone ever suggest braces to her? Of Coursh Not!
However, when it comes to MY WEIGHT??? It’s THE subject everyone/everywhere feels the need to weigh in on!! (No pun intended!) Why is that?? I can't help it if I have a bad case of CCS**.
We each have our own view of ourselves, and I think if you're reasonably happy and healthy in the skin you're in – who the hell has any right to tell you what they feel you should look like?
The comment that cracks me up the most is when I hear, “You have such a pretty FACE…” (What about the rest of me?? Got something against my big ass??) I can’t just be called 'pretty' if my hips are as wide across as a billboard along I-95?? I guess you have to be 'pretty' from head to toe to earn that kudo. Give me a break here.
Being FAT is the universal ‘racist’ or discriminatory group that EVERYONE has a problem with. If you’re black, white, yellow, green or PURPLE; if you are male, female or a combination of both; if you are gay, straight or bi, or if you’re Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, Agnostic or whatever… they all UNITE together on one front: They all have a problem with FAT PEOPLE!!
It’s bad enough the ‘FAT’ person stereotype makes everyone associate being overweight with being slovenly and lazy… but why does the world insist all Fat People need to LOSE WEIGHT to be accepted into society??
We’ve made great strides, featuring larger women modeling clothing, makeup, etc in magazines. But then there are always the ads within a page or two, featuring weight loss pills, diet plans, exercise equipment and other things, to suggest everyone should be trying to whittle themselves SMALLER to fit into what we, as Americans, consider attractive.
I know they now say the ‘average’ American Woman wears a size 14. Then why are most celebrities a size zero? Has any actress (except for Kathy Bates) ever weighed more than 110 pounds when she won an Oscar?
The ironic thing is - if a MAN is fat, he's considered, Portly. Or Husky. Or Heavy. Stocky. Or even Big. (For a guy, being BIG is actually considered a compliment!) But if you're a WOMAN? You're just FAT. Period. (It's a similar thing with gray hair! If a Guy is gray, he's 'mature' or 'sophisticated' or even 'sexy'. If a Woman is gray, she is just OLD.)
It never fails to really piss me off when a thin person asks me if they look FAT! Give me a freakin' break!! Just because my butt deserves its own Zip Code, doesn't mean I'm your Guru, honey.
I was at the beach last week, and from nowhere came this tall, thin woman. She stood in front of me, adjusting a swimsuit that couldn’t be any larger than a size two, and she asked, “Do I look FAT in this?” (Meanwhile, I’m sitting there, covered up like a super-sized burrito to hide my body, wearing a size 2X muumuu, hoping someone doesn’t run up to me and either stab me with a harpoon or tries to roll me back into the ocean to save me from beaching myself.)
What did she really expect me to SAY? Her bathing suit bottom was a string of dental floss going up the crack of her non-existent ass, and her bikini top barely covered her nipples. If she really thought she was fat – why didn't she buy a swimsuit that actually COVERED something? I was probably the size of FOUR of her put together, and yet the skinny ones always seem to come to ME to ask my opinion on how they look!
I guess, to them, I must look like Buddha; so I'm automatically the experienced, seasoned professional FAT person in their eyes. That is probably why they flock to me for my learned opinion. Perhaps they are seeking guidance how to recognize the 'warning signs' of love handle cultivation? Or is it their way of telling me to drop the Snickers bar and pick up the sunscreen?
It just happens to me WAY too often for it to be a coincidence. I'm starting to think 'conspiracy theory' here. Feel free to weigh in.
*In Florida, they sell beer everywhere! Grocery Stores, Gas Stations, Drug Stores, etc. It's an Alcoholic's Nightmare and a Redneck's Paradise living here.
**CCS (Contented Cow Syndrome) is when you're so comfortable in your life and in your relationship, that you graze constantly on all of your favorite foods as if you, like Bessie the Bovine, have four stomachs. And eventually, you will.
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