Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE NOT MOM'S FAVORITE!!
A man was driving down the road with four penguins in the back seat.
A Policeman stopped him and said he can't drive around with the penguins in the car, and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with the four penguins in the back seat. Again, he is stopped by the same Policeman who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those penguins to the zoo."
The man replied "I did. And today I'm taking them to the movies."
FOX HUNT RULE #1 When you are in deep shit, look straight ahead, keep your mouth shut and say nothing!
A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Collie were in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Poodle comes up to them and says, "Whoever creates the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese' can be my boyfriend tonight."
The Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Poodle says, "Sorry, you didn't put much effort into that."
The Collie says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."
The Poodle shakes her head and says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone - Cheese mine."
What do you see?
A Frog or a Horse?
A woman went to the butcher shop and asked for a Long Island Duck. She took the duck, shoved a finger into the duck's butt, removed it, then sniffed her finger.
"This is NOT a Long Island Duck! This is a Maine Duck! Please give me a Long Island Duck."
The butcher had a strange expression on his face, but handed the woman a second duck. Again, she shoved her finger into the duck's butt and then sniffed it.
"This is NOT a Long Island Duck! This is a New Hampshire Duck! Would you PLEASE give me a Long Island Duck!"
The butcher was getting angry, but handed the woman a third duck. Again, the woman stuck her finger into the duck's butt, then sniffed it.
"AT LAST! A Long Island Duck! I'll take it!! By the way, I haven't seen you working here before. Where are you from?"
The butcher pulled his pants down, bent over and said, "Here, lady, you tell ME!!"
Osama Bin Laden's Cat
Hi... Ever since Joey and I moved to Florida, some of the daily visitors to our home are the three foot tall Sand Hill Cranes! It amazes us how large they are, and how LOUD they 'trumpet' at us when they are on our property! Click on the images to enlarge them to read a little bit more!
The Forest Service has issued a BEAR WARNING in the national forests for this summer.
They're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.
Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzy Bear dung.
Black Bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds in it.
Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!
The hardest part of being a Seeing Eye Dog...
A farmer approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him, and he replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in to watch the movie.
As soon as he took his seat, the farmer unzipped his fly so the chicken could stick its head out to watch the movie too.
Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I KNOW, but this one is eating my popcorn!"
A dirty looking old man goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The old man says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a beer?" The bartender agrees.
The old man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the piano in the corner of the bar. The hamster jumps onto keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs with gusto!
The bartender is impressed. He says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly amazing on the piano."
The old man chugs down his beer and asks for another.
"Money or another miracle, or no free beer." says the bartender.
The old man again reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice, and sings along with the piano music the hamster is providing!
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the old man and offers him $500 for the frog. The old man agrees, pockets the money and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the old man, "Are you crazy?! You sold a singing frog for $500? It must have been worth millions!"
"Not so," says the old man, "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
This picture cracks me up! But ya gotta wonder what the heck was a CAT doing in a raft being towed behind a boat in the FIRST place??
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes, and decided to dye her hair brown.
She went for a drive in the country and came upon a farmer herding his sheep across the road.
She asked the farmer, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"
He replied, "Sure!" Out of the blue, she blurts out, "328!"
The farmer is stunned, but kept his word, allowing her to pick out a sheep. She looks and looks and finally picks out the cutest one.
He asks her, "If I can guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, pigs and goats, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
An Albino Peacock
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.
Suddenly, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and shouts, "What are you doing?!!"
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